Canon's Diary

In Takatsuki, Osaka, winter does not bring much snow. I hear that it almost never settles on the ground. Still, by the time February arrives, the cold sharpens, and for the past few days fine grains of snow have wrapped the city as if they were drifting through the air. I walk about fifteen minutes outdoors every day on my way to and from work, and gloves and a scarf have become indispensable. People passing by breathe out white clouds, pull on down jackets or long coats, and hurry toward the station as if fleeing from the cold.

Last night I practiced tennis until nine-thirty. Even after I got home, I lounged in the living room, thinking about my form and how I move my body, and before I knew it, I had gone to bed later than usual. Since it was Sunday, I meant to sleep in a little, but even though the days are shorter, by seven o’clock the morning sun was already slipping through the gap in the curtains, and my eyes were wide awake. Reluctantly, I got out of bed. Rubbing my eyes, I checked my sleep time on my smartphone. Five hours and thirty-two minutes—slightly not enough for me.

I tried making toast with the oven toaster that had just arrived on Saturday. I spread margarine, laid on ham and lettuce, added mayonnaise, and gently placed cheese on top. Until now, my breakfasts had been things like fried eggs or stir-fried rice, but in the rush of the morning it was too much trouble, so I bought the toaster with points I had saved on my credit card. Yes, this is simple and good. Toast seems like the quickest solution for breakfast. As for drinks, soup or tomato juice will do.

After washing the dishes, I sat in a chair and watched television for a while, but the sense of sleep deprivation would not leave me. With a sigh, I closed the curtains again and lay down on the futon. This time I put on an eye mask and shut the light away for good. Lying on my back, I let my breathing settle in the darkness. I could hear warm air flowing from the heater. I could hear birds singing. I focused further and turned my awareness inward: the beating of my heart, the flow of blood, the warmth of my own body. I imagined sending blood through my chest, shoulders, arms, legs, and to the tips of my fingers. I had never been taught how to do this, but perhaps this is what people call mindfulness.

Beyond my closed eyes stretched a pitch-black darkness. Even so, behind my eyelids faint patterns of light and shade began to appear. They were like clouds, yet at times they formed clearer shapes. Then, suddenly, a girl’s face surfaced in the darkness behind my eyes. She seemed to be smiling, and yet she also looked a little melancholy. “Who is this girl?” I wondered, but nothing came to mind. Her face kept drawing closer to me. I concentrated even more. I imagined steam rising from every pore of my body. I felt myself grow warm. I stretched my hands forward, grasped the air, and formed a great mass of spirit, then released it outside myself. The girl’s face moved closer, then farther away. But there was no hostility in her expression. I had no idea how much time had passed. At last, she slipped quietly back into the darkness.

I took off the eye mask and looked at the clock. How long had it been? I opened the health app on my smartphone. A message appeared: “A nap was detected. 40 minutes. Add to sleep monitoring?” I pressed “YES.” Maybe it would make up for some of my lost sleep. It was eleven o’clock. Since I had tennis practice scheduled for two, I made an early lunch of instant ramen. I added cabbage, carrots, and pork, and since I still had some rice cakes left from New Year’s, I threw those in too. It felt like a lot of calories, but I finished it surprisingly easily.

Still, I felt a little uneasy, so to burn off at least a bit more, I decided to go to the tennis school by train and on foot. When everything was over, my phone notified me again. “A new activity was detected. 13:20–13:50. Walking. Calories burned: 183 kcal.” Then: “A new unknown activity was detected. 14:00–15:30. Please select the activity.” When I chose tennis, it displayed “Calories burned: 736 kcal.” This app estimates my basal metabolism at 1,488 kcal per day, so today’s total burned calories should be around 2,700 kcal. It seems I’ve burned off about what I ate for lunch. It was a good change of pace. Tomorrow, I’ll do my best at work again.