Canon's Diary

Action without thought is empty; thought without action is blind – Goethe

While living with schizophrenia, I move between Tokyo and Osaka. Through this journal, I hope to quietly share moments from my daily life—and memories from the journey I’ve taken with my illness.

recent posts

about

Recording my Daily Life as a Diary

  • Living Like Dancing in This Moment

    April has arrived, but the weather in Osaka continues to be chilly. Due to the influence of the Osaka Expo, accommodation prices have soared, and I have had difficulty finding a place to stay, moving from hotel to hotel. Last night, I stayed at a capsule hotel.

    Actually, I have been assigned to work at the company’s headquarters starting in April, so staying in a hotel is an unusual situation. However, the general affairs department took my situation into account, as I couldn’t find a new residence by the end of March, and they allowed me to reimburse my accommodation and transportation costs.

    I heard that my reassignment caused quite a debate among the senior management last term. Now that the new organizational structure has been revealed, and comparing it with the explanations given to me by my department head and the division director, I can see that the chance of me becoming a manager was not completely zero. This realization is somewhat frustrating, but for now, all I can do is focus on steadily building up what I am capable of.

    To understand these feelings, I reflected on them in light of Adlerian psychology, as explained in The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga.

    Aristotle’s philosophy introduces two ways of living: Kinesis-based living and Energeia-based living. Kinesis (κίνησις) is a Greek term meaning “movement” or “change,” referring to a process where something changes in pursuit of a goal and is completed once the goal is achieved. For example, studying to become a lawyer or practicing to win a tennis tournament. From a Kinesis-based perspective, effort is only rewarded once the goal is reached, and the challenge ends when the goal is attained. If the goal is not achieved, only the fact of “failure” remains.

    On the other hand, Energeia (ἐνέργεια) refers to “actual activity” or “intrinsic realization,” where the activity itself is the goal, and it does not end just because the goal is achieved. For example, in the act of playing music, the goal is the performance itself, and the activity doesn’t end when the performance concludes. For the musician, the joy is found in the act of performing itself.

    So, which is the better way of living? I believe that many people in modern society tend to have a Kinesis-oriented perspective. The idea of working to earn money or achieving results to get promoted is a common way of thinking. In this mindset, unless a “result” is obtained, the process is merely a struggle. In such a case, it’s difficult to find happiness in everyday life.

    The Energeia-based mindset, on the other hand, has a different perspective. It’s a way of life where the activity itself—whether it’s in art, philosophy, or love—becomes the purpose. Rather than seeing life as a straight path to a goal, it encourages finding meaning in each activity, seeing life as a series of connected moments.

    However, ultimately, I think it’s more about finding a balance between both perspectives. In areas like work and study, where achieving goals is important, the process can often feel tough. But many people find joy in activities like music, love, or sports, using them to balance the difficulty of their work by finding joy in the activity itself. Tennis, for example, is a sport that can incorporate both perspectives. The goal is to win matches, but along the way, you can feel joy in improving your technique, like hitting a new shot or increasing your serve speed. Even if you don’t win the match, achieving each step along the way can bring satisfaction.

    In work or study, which tends to focus on Kinesis-like thinking, I think it would be possible to introduce Energeia-based elements, making the process itself more joyful. This is explained in The Courage to Be Disliked as: “Life is lived like dancing in the moment, a continuous series of fleeting moments. And one day, when you look around, you may realize, ‘How far I’ve come.’”

    Of course, this depends on individual circumstances and perspectives. Whether or not you’re in a job you desire or whether you find joy in the act of studying depends on one’s personality and preferences. However, I’ve always thought that, for the majority of life, especially the “work” portion, it’s important to place yourself in situations where you can engage with an Energeia-based mindset as much as possible. I’ve been steadily working towards that goal.

    My first week in Osaka at the beginning of the fiscal year is almost over. Tomorrow, I will return to Tokyo and resume packing for my move over the weekend. Today, my direct supervisor told me that working in both Tokyo and Osaka could be possible, depending on the situation, and that they didn’t mind if I did so. This brought me a sense of relief, as I would be able to keep an eye on my father, who is receiving medical care in Tokyo, as well as my mother who is caring for him, and my wife, who lives with my parents and works at the same time.

  • The beginning of a new life

    The cherry blossoms along the Onda River in Tokyo were nearly in full bloom last weekend, so I was surprised to see that the cherry blossoms from the window of the JR Kyoto Line were only about 50% in bloom. Although it is already April, the mornings in Osaka are still quite chilly, and just wearing a suit with a scarf feels a bit cold. Since the Osaka headquarters starts work at 8 AM, I booked a hotel one station away. However, my departure time is not much different from when I worked at the Tokyo branch, which starts at 9 AM.

    I spoke to a colleague who joined the company in January, saying, “Hotel prices have gone up a lot.” He replied, “Yeah, it seems that due to the Osaka Expo, hotel prices have doubled compared to usual.” The Osaka Expo will be held from April 13 to October 13 on Yumeshima in Osaka Bay. Since I am staying here, I may have a chance to visit. On my first day at work on April 1, there were presentations on the new department structure and each section manager’s policies. While handling the administrative procedures for my transfer, I also spent time exchanging opinions with my supervisor about future plans. The actual work has not fully started yet, and we are beginning with coordination with relevant departments and establishing rules.

    Finding a reasonably priced hotel was a bit challenging, but for the first night, I managed to book the hotel near Takatsuki Station that I always use. The days are getting longer, and even at 5 PM when I finished work, it was still bright outside. Since I had some time after checking into the hotel, I took a walk through the shopping district and bought a slim-fit suit. On my way back, I stopped by a public bath to relax and then went to sleep.

    My supervisor has asked me to stay in Osaka for the first two weeks of the fiscal year. I can feel that the new life I had been thinking about is finally starting. I still feel a mix of excitement and anxiety, but I think those feelings are gradually fading day by day.

  • Earthquake in Myanmar

    A magnitude 7.7 earthquake has struck central Myanmar, with a reported depth of 10 km. Reports indicate that large-scale building collapses have occurred, and more than 2,000 people have lost their lives.

    In recent years, Myanmar has faced ongoing turmoil following a military coup, making medical care and rescue operations increasingly difficult. Additionally, some areas have restricted access to information, raising concerns about delays in rescue efforts.

    We sincerely hope that aid reaches the affected areas as soon as possible and that relief and a stable life can be restored swiftly.

  • Nozomi 215, Departing from Shin-Yokohama at 7:29 AM, Bound for Shin-Osaka

    On the early morning of the last Monday in March, I forced my exhausted body awake after last night’s practice and began preparing for my trip to Osaka. My room was in utter chaos, filled with packed boxes and containers in preparation for my move—far from being tidy.

    Tomorrow morning, I have to report to the Osaka headquarters for a new department’s kickoff meeting at the start of the fiscal year. Though it’s almost April, the morning air is still a bit chilly. However, with a sweater under my suit and a scarf around my neck, I won’t need a coat.

    The cherry blossoms along the Onda River, which were only about 50% bloomed the day before yesterday, had progressed to nearly 80% in bloom due to yesterday’s warm temperatures. While they hadn’t reached full bloom yet, the forecast indicated unstable weather next weekend, so I took my parents to see them during the warm midday hours yesterday. We had to take breaks while walking, but my father’s steps were steadier than I had expected. Last year, he had been hospitalized, and I could only show him photos of the blossoms, so I felt relieved to finally bring him there in person this year.

    Surprisingly for this season, there were empty seats on the Nozomi bound for Shin-Osaka, and I was able to reserve an aisle seat in a row of three. When my boss asked about my schedule, I told him that I would be staying in Osaka at least through this week. Starting today, I’ll take my time aligning the tasks of my department with the new team.

  • The RC Cars I Bought for My Nephew

    If you could have something named after you, what would it be?

    Back in my 30s, I used to play with my nephew a lot. At the time, he was still in elementary school, and I looked forward to seeing what he would become in the future. Thinking that a game requiring some brainwork would be good for him, I bought two remote-controlled cars. I put his name on his car using letter stickers, and on mine, I placed a label with my own name before giving them to him as a gift.
    That said, my nephew always called me “Jiiji” (Grandpa), so the label I put on my car simply said “Jiiji.” Even though I was still young at the time, to my nephew, I was an uncle (oji in Japanese), and for some reason, he couldn’t quite bring himself to call me “Uncle ○○” (○○oji san) instead.

  • Rain-Chilled Cherry Blossoms

    It had been raining since morning. In stark contrast to yesterday’s early-summer warmth, today felt like a return to midwinter. When I woke up, I was informed that my father had gone to the hospital with my mother earlier that morning. His stomach pain hadn’t subsided, and after being examined, it turned out he had a kidney stone. He was given a pain-relieving suppository. My father hadn’t been able to sleep last night, but by the time my mother told me about it, he seemed to have settled down and was sleeping soundly. Kidney stones have been a recurring issue for him since his youth, and he is familiar with the treatment. Even so, if he had woken me up, I might have been able to help in some way. Conflicting emotions swirled inside me, I finished my breakfast.

    Since it was Saturday, I had planned to go to a furniture store and an electronics retailer to buy a mattress, futon, and coffee maker. In the morning, my wife and I went through the tableware and cookware stored in the basement warehouse, picking out what I could use in Osaka. The basement has high humidity, so we run a dehumidifier at full power, but during the rainy season, a slight musty smell still lingers. These items had been stored here ever since I returned to my parents’ house in 2012—about thirteen years ago. If I hadn’t been assigned to work in Osaka, they might have remained untouched for another ten years. I felt glad to finally put them to use, yet also uncertain whether they would truly be functional.

    The washing machine seemed fine. When we moved from Yamanashi to Shizuoka, we had already switched it to a 60Hz frequency, so it would work in Osaka as is. The microwave was also usable. Both were a bit large for a single-person household, but as the saying goes, “bigger is better.” The rice cooker and gas stove, however, were in bad shape—too dirty to be of any use. Surprisingly, the tableware turned out to be much cleaner after soaking in bleach. Before I knew it, the morning had passed.

    After lunch, I borrowed the family car and drove to the furniture store. Since it was the end of the fiscal year, the roads were congested despite the bad weather. I had already filled my Amazon wishlist with items I would need for life in Osaka, but seeing things in person gave me a clearer sense of what felt right. The size of a frying pan, for instance—was it suitable for cooking for one? Would a mattress be too soft and uncomfortable? These were things I could only judge by seeing them up close. Though I had a list of must-buy items, after visiting both the furniture store and the electronics retailer, I found that many still required further consideration. In the end, I only bought a set of frying pans and pots, along with a drip coffee maker.

    On the way from the furniture store to the electronics retailer, I took a slight detour to drive along the row of cherry blossom trees near the Onda River. The cherry blossoms were wet with rain, about halfway to full bloom. It seemed that next weekend would be the perfect time to see them in their full glory. I wished I could take my father there.

    When I returned home, my father was awake, so we had a brief conversation.

    “Can I take the coffee grinder?” I asked.
    “Sure, go ahead,” he replied. “But it’s a manual one, so it takes time to grind.”

    He seemed to be feeling better. I debated whether to buy an electric grinder to go with my new coffee maker but then remembered that we already had one at home. I was glad I had held off on the purchase.

  • I Have to Go to Osaka from Next Week, but..

    Today, my father said he had stomach pain and was going to the hospital. I asked, “Do you want me to take you by car?” but he replied, “I’ll take a taxi.”

    In March of last year, my father was hospitalized in an emergency due to severe abdominal pain. He was diagnosed with duodenal papillary cancer. If surgery were to be performed, it would require a procedure called pancreaticoduodenectomy (Whipple procedure). This is a major surgery that involves removing the head of the pancreas (right side of the pancreas), duodenum, part of the bile duct, gallbladder, and sometimes part of the stomach, followed by reconstructing the digestive tract. The surgeon at the municipal hospital, considering my father’s age and physical condition, advised against surgery.

    Instead, a stent, a metal tube, was placed in the duodenum to prevent bile from accumulating. However, this sometimes causes inflammation in the affected area, requiring the stent to be replaced periodically. Fortunately, due to his advanced age, the cancer has progressed slowly, and for the past year, he has been quietly recuperating at home under my mother’s care.

    After completing a series of tests today, he returned home before noon. However, he will have to visit the hospital again next Tuesday to receive the test results.

    Starting in April, I will officially belong to the Osaka headquarters, so I have to go to Osaka from next week. Since my moving date is set for April 26, I will initially be traveling on business trips, but as my new duties begin, I expect to spend longer periods in Osaka. Even though my father’s condition is stable, I can’t help but feel uneasy about staying far away for an extended period—it takes three and a half hours by Shinkansen.

    Today, I also received an inquiry from my new boss about my tasks for the next fiscal year. At the same time, I started organizing my room in preparation for the move, so it turned out to be a rather busy day. The plastic storage containersI ordered arrived as scheduled. The rubber bands I bought to secure the cover on my motorcycle also arrived, but they were too short, so I had to buy new ones. As the temperature rose during the day, I turned on the air conditioner for the first time this year.

  • Organizing What Needs to Be Prepared Before the Move

    I already have a rice cooker, a washing machine, a microwave, and some unused tableware at home, so I’ll gather them all in one place. I’d also like to bring the unused tabletop grill for yakiniku if I get permission from my family. Other things I plan to take from home include… the brown color lamp stand, the clothes-drying pole from the balcony, and the refrigerator, which I recently purchased and has already arrived. Since I’ll likely rely on frozen food a lot in the beginning, I also want to bring the 1988 National-brand freezer that’s been sitting unused in the basement. It’s quite solidly built, and its retro design is nice. That should cover the bigger items.

    On Saturday, I plan to go to Nitori (furniture retailer) and buy a single-size mattress and a down comforter set. I just ordered two large transparent storage containers and two medium-sized ones from Amazon. I should be able to pack small household items and clothes from home into these. As for knives and a coffee maker, I might as well get them here since I probably won’t have much time for shopping after I move. I may also need a whetstone for sharpening the knives. I’ll definitely need a trash can. I’m also interested in a food waste disposer—I’ll have to check how much subsidy is available for that.

    Things I need to buy after moving include a bed—preferably one with storage boxes underneath. As for a cupboard, I’ve already found a potential option on Amazon, but I’ll decide on the size after I settle in. For now, I plan to use a foldable camping table and chairs instead of buying a dining set. The only other thing I’m unsure about is the TV. I don’t usually watch TV, so it’s not essential, but I’d love to enjoy Grand Slam tennis matches on a big screen. It’s a tough decision. I also want to set up an audio system to create a home theater-like setup. Since these are more for personal enjoyment, I’ll leave this decision for later.

    I plan to ride my 400cc race-replica motorcycle to Osaka myself. The parking space I rented there is outdoors, so I just found a rain cover in the basement. I’ll need some ropes to secure it against the wind. I should also bring a battery charger and a few tools from the garage. On Saturday, I’ll visit a motorcycle gear store to check out some small accessories. I’ll take my current riding gear as it is.

    For tennis, I’ll need to bring at least half of my tennis wear. I have two rackets, but I haven’t decided whether to keep one in each location or carry both back and forth between Osaka and Tokyo when I travel.

    Alright, I’m starting to get a clearer idea of what I need to buy. Looks like I’ll be visiting electronics stores, furniture shops, and a motorcycle gear store this weekend.

  • Reporting to the Tokyo Branch

    Last night, I was working on my PC at the table in my room, but at some point, I must have dozed off. I woke up at 2 AM, still sitting in my chair. Since I had already taken a shower after playing tennis, I went straight to bed, but I didn’t wake up feeling refreshed this morning. The mornings and evenings are no longer cold. The cherry blossoms near the Onda River are expected to bloom around the weekend after next, so I’m thinking of taking my parents there by car, as they have concerns about their legs and back.

    I put on a light coat and got on the bus, but by the time I transferred to the train at the station, the weather had warmed up, so I ended up carrying the coat in my hands as I walked. Today, I went to the Tokyo branch office. Since I don’t have any colleagues from my department here, my tasks aren’t much different from when I work remotely. I opened my PC, checked my emails, and responded to anything that needed attention. I scanned the newspapers for any articles related to my work and also checked industry websites, press releases from business partners, and public information from associations. If I found any noteworthy information, I shared it within the company.

    Today, for the first time, I received an email from my direct supervisor in my new department. Since we have a department meeting at the beginning of the fiscal year in April, we briefly discussed my work arrangements after April and how we will proceed moving forward. However, my supervisor is also busy with the handover from their predecessor and doesn’t yet have a clear vision of the Project Management Division. It looks like we’ll gradually shape things while sharing information about each team member.

    From Saturday to yesterday, I played tennis for four consecutive days. Sunday, in particular, was a four-hour intensive training session. Perhaps due to accumulated fatigue, I felt completely drained when I got home today. I’ll make sure to get to bed early tonight and prepare for tomorrow. It seems that an estimate for house repairs has arrived from the contractor, so I need to review it as well.

    I also need to start preparing for my move. It would be troublesome if I had nowhere to sleep on the day I move in, so I’m beginning to think that I should go to a furniture store and buy a futon and a mattress in advance. However, for larger furniture like a cupboard or a bed, I plan to look for appropriately sized ones after I settle in. For now, I’ll purchase a few medium and large transparent plastic containers and use them to store household items I bring from my family home.

  • Overcoming the Need for Approval

    Around 4 AM this morning, I woke up with a sore throat and itchy eyes. I turned on the light, headed to the bathroom, rubbed my eyes, and took some herbal medicine for colds. After a while, the discomfort subsided, and I managed to get a few more hours of sleep.

    Today is March 24th, another day of remote work. Unlike yesterday’s clear skies, today is cloudy. Perhaps thanks to the cold shower I took as a form of icing, I don’t feel much of an impact from the four hours of tennis I played yesterday. After going through my Monday reports, reading the news and industry journals, and responding to a few emails, I found myself with some free time in the afternoon. I spent it simulating tasks for my new department starting in April and reading relevant books.

    I started reflecting on some concepts introduced in The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga: denying the need for approval, separating tasks, and achieving true freedom. Everyone, to some extent, seeks recognition from those around them. This mindset stems from perceiving interpersonal relationships in a hierarchical structure—seeking approval in exchange for validation or feeling superior by granting approval to others. Perhaps this is a negative habit ingrained by a competitive society.

    However, as times change, it’s possible that people today have already overcome this issue. They might have learned to separate their own tasks from others’ and established a convention of not overstepping into others’ matters. But when I ask myself if I have ever had a need for approval, I must admit—yes, I have.

    Wanting to push forward a project of my own initiative, for instance, is ultimately a desire to be recognized by my superiors and to be valued. Aspiring to a higher position in the company may stem from the urge to be surrounded by subordinates who affirm my worth and from a desire to control interpersonal dynamics in my favor. Looking back at my time as a manager, I tried my best to be disciplined and prioritize the organization’s interests. Yet, I can’t deny that I enjoyed being admired and flattered by those around me. I definitely saw relationships through a vertical lens.

    I realized this when I left my managerial position upon changing jobs—I was overcome with an indescribable sense of emptiness.

    In the world of sports, this hierarchical structure is even more evident. You’re either a winner or a loser—there’s no in-between. Even in tennis schools, players are categorized into “advanced” or “intermediate” classes, reinforcing rankings. When I was younger, I was completely fixated on winning. I pushed myself through intense training and took a strict, disciplined approach to tennis. The very fact that I instinctively referred to sports as “competition” suggests how deeply ingrained this hierarchical mindset was.

    Looking back, it seems like many of the people around me wanted to dominate me. My parents, my teachers, my senior teammates, my managers at part-time jobs, my bosses at work, and even my wife. Without realizing it, I grew up in an environment where I was constantly trying to meet others’ expectations, believing that fulfilling them would earn me recognition. Maybe things are different now in the Reiwa era compared to the Showa era I grew up in.

    However, in hindsight, I now wonder—wasn’t I the one who created this environment for myself? If people treated me that way, wasn’t it because I, too, sought to position myself above others? In an extreme sense, I existed only in relation to those I could compare myself to.

    Adlerian psychology shifts the perspective from causality (“I am this way because of past experiences”) to teleology (“I act this way to achieve a certain goal”). It promotes building a cooperative society that transcends time, distance, life forms, and individuals while simultaneously emphasizing self-awareness—understanding what one can do.

    This is a profound philosophy, one I am still far from mastering. But perhaps a simple starting point for me is to practice respect and interact with others with a sense of reverence. If I can shift my perspective from hierarchical relationships to horizontal ones—not just in friendships but also in parent-child relationships, marriage, and even workplace dynamics—I feel like I could expand my worldview significantly.

    It now makes perfect sense why sports emphasize etiquette.

    After work, I attended a men’s singles tennis lesson. When I first joined, I saw the other members as rivals, and it felt a bit awkward. But recently, I’ve been able to talk to them as friends. We are all practicing to improve, competing against each other, but also helping each other grow. By respecting and encouraging one another, we can build better relationships and even find joy in the process.

    Perhaps this is a mindset I should have cultivated during my club days, which makes me feel a little embarrassed. But this is where I find myself now.