Canon's Diary

Action without thought is empty; thought without action is blind – Goethe

While living with schizophrenia, I move between Tokyo and Osaka. Through this journal, I hope to quietly share moments from my daily life—and memories from the journey I’ve taken with my illness.

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Recording my Daily Life as a Diary

  • Nozomi 215, Departing from Shin-Yokohama at 7:29 AM, Bound for Shin-Osaka

    On the early morning of the last Monday in March, I forced my exhausted body awake after last night’s practice and began preparing for my trip to Osaka. My room was in utter chaos, filled with packed boxes and containers in preparation for my move—far from being tidy.

    Tomorrow morning, I have to report to the Osaka headquarters for a new department’s kickoff meeting at the start of the fiscal year. Though it’s almost April, the morning air is still a bit chilly. However, with a sweater under my suit and a scarf around my neck, I won’t need a coat.

    The cherry blossoms along the Onda River, which were only about 50% bloomed the day before yesterday, had progressed to nearly 80% in bloom due to yesterday’s warm temperatures. While they hadn’t reached full bloom yet, the forecast indicated unstable weather next weekend, so I took my parents to see them during the warm midday hours yesterday. We had to take breaks while walking, but my father’s steps were steadier than I had expected. Last year, he had been hospitalized, and I could only show him photos of the blossoms, so I felt relieved to finally bring him there in person this year.

    Surprisingly for this season, there were empty seats on the Nozomi bound for Shin-Osaka, and I was able to reserve an aisle seat in a row of three. When my boss asked about my schedule, I told him that I would be staying in Osaka at least through this week. Starting today, I’ll take my time aligning the tasks of my department with the new team.

  • The RC Cars I Bought for My Nephew

    If you could have something named after you, what would it be?

    Back in my 30s, I used to play with my nephew a lot. At the time, he was still in elementary school, and I looked forward to seeing what he would become in the future. Thinking that a game requiring some brainwork would be good for him, I bought two remote-controlled cars. I put his name on his car using letter stickers, and on mine, I placed a label with my own name before giving them to him as a gift.
    That said, my nephew always called me “Jiiji” (Grandpa), so the label I put on my car simply said “Jiiji.” Even though I was still young at the time, to my nephew, I was an uncle (oji in Japanese), and for some reason, he couldn’t quite bring himself to call me “Uncle ○○” (○○oji san) instead.

  • Rain-Chilled Cherry Blossoms

    It had been raining since morning. In stark contrast to yesterday’s early-summer warmth, today felt like a return to midwinter. When I woke up, I was informed that my father had gone to the hospital with my mother earlier that morning. His stomach pain hadn’t subsided, and after being examined, it turned out he had a kidney stone. He was given a pain-relieving suppository. My father hadn’t been able to sleep last night, but by the time my mother told me about it, he seemed to have settled down and was sleeping soundly. Kidney stones have been a recurring issue for him since his youth, and he is familiar with the treatment. Even so, if he had woken me up, I might have been able to help in some way. Conflicting emotions swirled inside me, I finished my breakfast.

    Since it was Saturday, I had planned to go to a furniture store and an electronics retailer to buy a mattress, futon, and coffee maker. In the morning, my wife and I went through the tableware and cookware stored in the basement warehouse, picking out what I could use in Osaka. The basement has high humidity, so we run a dehumidifier at full power, but during the rainy season, a slight musty smell still lingers. These items had been stored here ever since I returned to my parents’ house in 2012—about thirteen years ago. If I hadn’t been assigned to work in Osaka, they might have remained untouched for another ten years. I felt glad to finally put them to use, yet also uncertain whether they would truly be functional.

    The washing machine seemed fine. When we moved from Yamanashi to Shizuoka, we had already switched it to a 60Hz frequency, so it would work in Osaka as is. The microwave was also usable. Both were a bit large for a single-person household, but as the saying goes, “bigger is better.” The rice cooker and gas stove, however, were in bad shape—too dirty to be of any use. Surprisingly, the tableware turned out to be much cleaner after soaking in bleach. Before I knew it, the morning had passed.

    After lunch, I borrowed the family car and drove to the furniture store. Since it was the end of the fiscal year, the roads were congested despite the bad weather. I had already filled my Amazon wishlist with items I would need for life in Osaka, but seeing things in person gave me a clearer sense of what felt right. The size of a frying pan, for instance—was it suitable for cooking for one? Would a mattress be too soft and uncomfortable? These were things I could only judge by seeing them up close. Though I had a list of must-buy items, after visiting both the furniture store and the electronics retailer, I found that many still required further consideration. In the end, I only bought a set of frying pans and pots, along with a drip coffee maker.

    On the way from the furniture store to the electronics retailer, I took a slight detour to drive along the row of cherry blossom trees near the Onda River. The cherry blossoms were wet with rain, about halfway to full bloom. It seemed that next weekend would be the perfect time to see them in their full glory. I wished I could take my father there.

    When I returned home, my father was awake, so we had a brief conversation.

    “Can I take the coffee grinder?” I asked.
    “Sure, go ahead,” he replied. “But it’s a manual one, so it takes time to grind.”

    He seemed to be feeling better. I debated whether to buy an electric grinder to go with my new coffee maker but then remembered that we already had one at home. I was glad I had held off on the purchase.

  • I Have to Go to Osaka from Next Week, but..

    Today, my father said he had stomach pain and was going to the hospital. I asked, “Do you want me to take you by car?” but he replied, “I’ll take a taxi.”

    In March of last year, my father was hospitalized in an emergency due to severe abdominal pain. He was diagnosed with duodenal papillary cancer. If surgery were to be performed, it would require a procedure called pancreaticoduodenectomy (Whipple procedure). This is a major surgery that involves removing the head of the pancreas (right side of the pancreas), duodenum, part of the bile duct, gallbladder, and sometimes part of the stomach, followed by reconstructing the digestive tract. The surgeon at the municipal hospital, considering my father’s age and physical condition, advised against surgery.

    Instead, a stent, a metal tube, was placed in the duodenum to prevent bile from accumulating. However, this sometimes causes inflammation in the affected area, requiring the stent to be replaced periodically. Fortunately, due to his advanced age, the cancer has progressed slowly, and for the past year, he has been quietly recuperating at home under my mother’s care.

    After completing a series of tests today, he returned home before noon. However, he will have to visit the hospital again next Tuesday to receive the test results.

    Starting in April, I will officially belong to the Osaka headquarters, so I have to go to Osaka from next week. Since my moving date is set for April 26, I will initially be traveling on business trips, but as my new duties begin, I expect to spend longer periods in Osaka. Even though my father’s condition is stable, I can’t help but feel uneasy about staying far away for an extended period—it takes three and a half hours by Shinkansen.

    Today, I also received an inquiry from my new boss about my tasks for the next fiscal year. At the same time, I started organizing my room in preparation for the move, so it turned out to be a rather busy day. The plastic storage containersI ordered arrived as scheduled. The rubber bands I bought to secure the cover on my motorcycle also arrived, but they were too short, so I had to buy new ones. As the temperature rose during the day, I turned on the air conditioner for the first time this year.

  • Organizing What Needs to Be Prepared Before the Move

    I already have a rice cooker, a washing machine, a microwave, and some unused tableware at home, so I’ll gather them all in one place. I’d also like to bring the unused tabletop grill for yakiniku if I get permission from my family. Other things I plan to take from home include… the brown color lamp stand, the clothes-drying pole from the balcony, and the refrigerator, which I recently purchased and has already arrived. Since I’ll likely rely on frozen food a lot in the beginning, I also want to bring the 1988 National-brand freezer that’s been sitting unused in the basement. It’s quite solidly built, and its retro design is nice. That should cover the bigger items.

    On Saturday, I plan to go to Nitori (furniture retailer) and buy a single-size mattress and a down comforter set. I just ordered two large transparent storage containers and two medium-sized ones from Amazon. I should be able to pack small household items and clothes from home into these. As for knives and a coffee maker, I might as well get them here since I probably won’t have much time for shopping after I move. I may also need a whetstone for sharpening the knives. I’ll definitely need a trash can. I’m also interested in a food waste disposer—I’ll have to check how much subsidy is available for that.

    Things I need to buy after moving include a bed—preferably one with storage boxes underneath. As for a cupboard, I’ve already found a potential option on Amazon, but I’ll decide on the size after I settle in. For now, I plan to use a foldable camping table and chairs instead of buying a dining set. The only other thing I’m unsure about is the TV. I don’t usually watch TV, so it’s not essential, but I’d love to enjoy Grand Slam tennis matches on a big screen. It’s a tough decision. I also want to set up an audio system to create a home theater-like setup. Since these are more for personal enjoyment, I’ll leave this decision for later.

    I plan to ride my 400cc race-replica motorcycle to Osaka myself. The parking space I rented there is outdoors, so I just found a rain cover in the basement. I’ll need some ropes to secure it against the wind. I should also bring a battery charger and a few tools from the garage. On Saturday, I’ll visit a motorcycle gear store to check out some small accessories. I’ll take my current riding gear as it is.

    For tennis, I’ll need to bring at least half of my tennis wear. I have two rackets, but I haven’t decided whether to keep one in each location or carry both back and forth between Osaka and Tokyo when I travel.

    Alright, I’m starting to get a clearer idea of what I need to buy. Looks like I’ll be visiting electronics stores, furniture shops, and a motorcycle gear store this weekend.

  • Reporting to the Tokyo Branch

    Last night, I was working on my PC at the table in my room, but at some point, I must have dozed off. I woke up at 2 AM, still sitting in my chair. Since I had already taken a shower after playing tennis, I went straight to bed, but I didn’t wake up feeling refreshed this morning. The mornings and evenings are no longer cold. The cherry blossoms near the Onda River are expected to bloom around the weekend after next, so I’m thinking of taking my parents there by car, as they have concerns about their legs and back.

    I put on a light coat and got on the bus, but by the time I transferred to the train at the station, the weather had warmed up, so I ended up carrying the coat in my hands as I walked. Today, I went to the Tokyo branch office. Since I don’t have any colleagues from my department here, my tasks aren’t much different from when I work remotely. I opened my PC, checked my emails, and responded to anything that needed attention. I scanned the newspapers for any articles related to my work and also checked industry websites, press releases from business partners, and public information from associations. If I found any noteworthy information, I shared it within the company.

    Today, for the first time, I received an email from my direct supervisor in my new department. Since we have a department meeting at the beginning of the fiscal year in April, we briefly discussed my work arrangements after April and how we will proceed moving forward. However, my supervisor is also busy with the handover from their predecessor and doesn’t yet have a clear vision of the Project Management Division. It looks like we’ll gradually shape things while sharing information about each team member.

    From Saturday to yesterday, I played tennis for four consecutive days. Sunday, in particular, was a four-hour intensive training session. Perhaps due to accumulated fatigue, I felt completely drained when I got home today. I’ll make sure to get to bed early tonight and prepare for tomorrow. It seems that an estimate for house repairs has arrived from the contractor, so I need to review it as well.

    I also need to start preparing for my move. It would be troublesome if I had nowhere to sleep on the day I move in, so I’m beginning to think that I should go to a furniture store and buy a futon and a mattress in advance. However, for larger furniture like a cupboard or a bed, I plan to look for appropriately sized ones after I settle in. For now, I’ll purchase a few medium and large transparent plastic containers and use them to store household items I bring from my family home.

  • Overcoming the Need for Approval

    Around 4 AM this morning, I woke up with a sore throat and itchy eyes. I turned on the light, headed to the bathroom, rubbed my eyes, and took some herbal medicine for colds. After a while, the discomfort subsided, and I managed to get a few more hours of sleep.

    Today is March 24th, another day of remote work. Unlike yesterday’s clear skies, today is cloudy. Perhaps thanks to the cold shower I took as a form of icing, I don’t feel much of an impact from the four hours of tennis I played yesterday. After going through my Monday reports, reading the news and industry journals, and responding to a few emails, I found myself with some free time in the afternoon. I spent it simulating tasks for my new department starting in April and reading relevant books.

    I started reflecting on some concepts introduced in The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga: denying the need for approval, separating tasks, and achieving true freedom. Everyone, to some extent, seeks recognition from those around them. This mindset stems from perceiving interpersonal relationships in a hierarchical structure—seeking approval in exchange for validation or feeling superior by granting approval to others. Perhaps this is a negative habit ingrained by a competitive society.

    However, as times change, it’s possible that people today have already overcome this issue. They might have learned to separate their own tasks from others’ and established a convention of not overstepping into others’ matters. But when I ask myself if I have ever had a need for approval, I must admit—yes, I have.

    Wanting to push forward a project of my own initiative, for instance, is ultimately a desire to be recognized by my superiors and to be valued. Aspiring to a higher position in the company may stem from the urge to be surrounded by subordinates who affirm my worth and from a desire to control interpersonal dynamics in my favor. Looking back at my time as a manager, I tried my best to be disciplined and prioritize the organization’s interests. Yet, I can’t deny that I enjoyed being admired and flattered by those around me. I definitely saw relationships through a vertical lens.

    I realized this when I left my managerial position upon changing jobs—I was overcome with an indescribable sense of emptiness.

    In the world of sports, this hierarchical structure is even more evident. You’re either a winner or a loser—there’s no in-between. Even in tennis schools, players are categorized into “advanced” or “intermediate” classes, reinforcing rankings. When I was younger, I was completely fixated on winning. I pushed myself through intense training and took a strict, disciplined approach to tennis. The very fact that I instinctively referred to sports as “competition” suggests how deeply ingrained this hierarchical mindset was.

    Looking back, it seems like many of the people around me wanted to dominate me. My parents, my teachers, my senior teammates, my managers at part-time jobs, my bosses at work, and even my wife. Without realizing it, I grew up in an environment where I was constantly trying to meet others’ expectations, believing that fulfilling them would earn me recognition. Maybe things are different now in the Reiwa era compared to the Showa era I grew up in.

    However, in hindsight, I now wonder—wasn’t I the one who created this environment for myself? If people treated me that way, wasn’t it because I, too, sought to position myself above others? In an extreme sense, I existed only in relation to those I could compare myself to.

    Adlerian psychology shifts the perspective from causality (“I am this way because of past experiences”) to teleology (“I act this way to achieve a certain goal”). It promotes building a cooperative society that transcends time, distance, life forms, and individuals while simultaneously emphasizing self-awareness—understanding what one can do.

    This is a profound philosophy, one I am still far from mastering. But perhaps a simple starting point for me is to practice respect and interact with others with a sense of reverence. If I can shift my perspective from hierarchical relationships to horizontal ones—not just in friendships but also in parent-child relationships, marriage, and even workplace dynamics—I feel like I could expand my worldview significantly.

    It now makes perfect sense why sports emphasize etiquette.

    After work, I attended a men’s singles tennis lesson. When I first joined, I saw the other members as rivals, and it felt a bit awkward. But recently, I’ve been able to talk to them as friends. We are all practicing to improve, competing against each other, but also helping each other grow. By respecting and encouraging one another, we can build better relationships and even find joy in the process.

    Perhaps this is a mindset I should have cultivated during my club days, which makes me feel a little embarrassed. But this is where I find myself now.