Canon's Diary

Action without thought is empty; thought without action is blind – Goethe

While living with schizophrenia, I move between Tokyo and Osaka. Through this journal, I hope to quietly share moments from my daily life—and memories from the journey I’ve taken with my illness.

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Recording my Daily Life as a Diary

  • The Day the Past Was Given a Name – Where Something Terrifying Resides

    I woke up at six in the morning. I’d gone to bed after midnight the night before, so I didn’t get quite enough sleep. Still, thanks to a proper bath, I didn’t feel too worn out. I couldn’t see the weather outside, but judging from the light seeping through the curtains, I could guess it was cloudy.
    I slipped on a newly tailored suit. My unruly hair has grown down to my collar lately, so a hat has become essential when I go out.

    Just as I was about to leave, my father asked, “Osaka today?”
    I simply replied, “Yeah,” and pulled the suitcase I’d left by the door.
    It was heavier than last week’s — I’d packed clothes for a full week, and clearly overdid it.
    The weight twisted my wrist as I rolled it out the door.

    My parents still haven’t quite come to terms with the fact that I’m now stationed in Osaka.
    We don’t talk much to begin with, and I’ve told them I’ll likely return to Tokyo for half the month, so they probably think not much has changed.
    And that’s fine.

    On the train from Naruse to Shin-Yokohama, I booked a Shinkansen ticket on my phone.
    All the departures were nearly full, and the only seat I could get was the middle of a three-seater row.
    Feeling cramped and self-conscious, I ate breakfast on board.
    The window shade was down, so I couldn’t see the scenery — I could only close my eyes.
    The seat trembled with a constant vibration.
    As the train entered a tunnel, the roaring sound grew louder, and the pressure change pressed against my eardrums.

    According to The Courage to Be Disliked, time flows not as a continuum, but as a string of “now” moments. Only the present truly exists. The past lives only in memory, and we shouldn’t be bound by it. What matters is whether we can act now. Adlerian psychology even denies the concept of trauma.
    Can I really live that way?

    Twenty-five years ago, I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. But it wasn’t something that happened suddenly one day. It was more like — the unease I’d felt since childhood finally got a name. There were days when I felt that something terrifying lived inside me, and I was constantly afraid of it.
    Looking back now, I think that was already the shadow of the illness beginning to take shape. Thankfully, with medication, I can now live a nearly normal life. But it’s a life that only holds together because I take the medicine. —but without it, I wouldn’t last even a day. It took me many long years to reach this stable point.

    I’ve rarely spoken of this illness outside my family. But from now on, little by little, I want to begin writing about it. Not to put a period on the past, but to understand where I stand now, to give my best to the present moment, and to welcome whatever future may come.

  • It all comes down to how much love you can give

    Daily writing prompt
    What animals make the best/worst pets?
    View all responses

    My beloved Shetland Sheepdog, Canon, was without a doubt the best partner I’ve had in my life. The days my wife, Canon, and I spent going out together were filled with happiness. Canon showered us with unconditional love, and I can’t even begin to count how many times we were comforted and encouraged by that love.

    But I’m not saying that dogs are the best pets for everyone. My father, who is now 88, keeps medaka fish in pots in the garden. He’s learned how to care for them through the internet—how to clean the tanks, feed them properly, provide enough oxygen, and handle breeding. He even keeps a tank indoors and truly enjoys caring for them. For my father, those medaka are the best companions.

    In other words, whether it’s a dog, a cat, a lizard, a turtle, or even a crocodile—the best animal for someone is simply the one they can care for with love. There is no such thing as a “worst” animal.

    That said, pets often leave this world before their owners do. That’s a sorrow almost too heavy to bear. Our dear Canon passed away at the age of twelve. Because both my wife and I were working, we often had to leave her at home alone. When she died, we deeply regretted that she may have felt lonely in her final moments.

    That’s why we’ve decided that if we ever welcome a new dog into our lives, it will only be when we can always be there by their side.

  • Sunday, a Quiet Day to Put Things in Order

    It was sunny, but this is the kind of season where it’s hard to decide what to wear. You could say it’s cold, or you could say it’s warm. In the morning, I turned on the heater in the room, but as I got into unpacking after our move, I warmed up quickly and turned it off. My wife had gone out early to help with a youth tennis tournament organized by the city. I stayed in and continued tidying up the room. As I sorted through things, I found items to throw away and put them into bags, then set them out in the hallway for now. I had kept some cardboard boxes, thinking they might come in handy, but in a small 7.5-tatami room, they just get in the way if they’re not being used, so I flattened them and put them out too.

    Around 10 a.m., I suddenly realized how hungry I was. Come to think of it, all I’d had after yesterday’s practice was a light meal of soba noodles. I had an early lunch, then settled into my old reclining chair—nearly twenty years old now—and gazed out through the west-facing window. There must’ve been strong wind high up, as the clouds were moving swiftly, constantly changing shape. In the afternoon, despite the clear blue sky, there were moments of sudden drizzle. Strange weather. As the sunlight grew stronger, I half-closed the curtains.

    On the white wall of the room hangs a monochrome portrait of my favorite tennis player, along with a racket that holds sentimental value. Also framed on the wall are single-page summaries of books that had a strong impact on me. I made them so I wouldn’t forget their messages over time. Now I wonder—should I bring these framed pieces to the one-room apartment in Osaka? The wall was already cluttered with them, making the space feel cramped, so I’ve been unsure.

    I had planned to go to tennis school for a 7 p.m. lesson tonight, but I’m feeling heavy from yesterday’s session. Starting tomorrow, I’ll be living in a hotel in Osaka for another week. I’m thinking I might let my body rest a bit today.

  • Daily routine – writing

    Daily writing prompt
    What job would you do for free?
    View all responses

    “A job I’d do for free”—I don’t think such a thing truly exists.
    But if it’s something that brings me joy while I’m doing it, perhaps it could still be considered a kind of “job,” even without pay.

    That said, from a practical standpoint, we still need time to earn money. So anything done without compensation needs to be something that doesn’t take too much time.
    Maybe it’s the kind of thing we willingly do on our days off. In that sense, such things might very well be the “jobs” we’re willing to do for free.

    In my case, I usually play tennis on weekends. But I’m not good enough to teach it, and certainly not skilled enough to make a living from it.
    So instead, things like organizing matches, planning practice sessions, helping out with the local tennis association, or arranging social gatherings—those might fit.
    Looking back, I’ve already been doing those kinds of things without expecting anything in return.

    And there’s one more thing.

    Writing.

    At this point in my life, it’s something I want to keep doing, even without compensation.
    For some reason, writing helps me organize my thoughts, gives me a subtle sense of fulfillment. Even when I can’t put things into perfect words, the act of writing itself feels like a small kind of healing.

    I think it’s time I need—not for anyone else, but for myself.

  • Through the Cherry Blossom Avenue

    Saturday. The sky is partly cloudy, but patches of blue peek through. After waking up, I had breakfast and washed my hair, then rode my motorbike to the tennis court for practice. As I approached the cherry blossom-lined road along the Onda River, I found the trees in full bloom, bustling with onlookers.I could faintly hear their voices, even through my helmet.

    Though the riverbed is deep, the water level is low. Branches stretch out over the moat, hanging toward the water’s surface, and pale pink blossoms sway in the pleasant breeze as if overflowing.
    Cherry trees line both sides of the paved road, their branches reaching across like an archway.
    Petals fluttered down through the gaps in my bike’s fairing and settled gently on the asphalt.
    The soft sputtering of my four-stroke V4 engine somehow felt out of place in such a serene setting.

    I passed through the avenue and reached the court, where I completed a three-hour practice session.
    Despite the recent break, my body moved surprisingly well. The sun occasionally blinded me mid-play, but I could relax—eating from my lunchbox on the bench and playing with ease.

    Seasons have turned once again. As I face the major turning point of a transfer to Osaka, my mind is restlessly swirling with thoughts. And yet, seasons move at the same steady pace for everyone, without favor. I was reminded of Hiroyuki Itsuki’s A Drop in the Great River. The idea that the human heart is part of nature somehow lifted my spirits when I first read it.

    Raindrops fall upon mountain peaks. They gather into small streams, becoming babbling brooks that rush through valleys. Each transparent drop caresses rocks, sometimes bursting, sometimes shattering, until they join into a mighty current that stitches its way across the land. While glistening in sunlight, some drops are dashed against stone, while others drift quietly along the riverbed. Eventually, all water is embraced by the vast ocean, from which it rises to the sky, forms clouds, and returns as new rain to the mountains’ cradle.
    A human life, too, is like a single drop in that great river. In the immense flow of the world, we may be but one droplet—yet each droplet has its own shine, its own role to play. No matter how fleeting, every drop breathes life as part of this world.

    “On May 4th, we have a practice match with another club, but we’re still short on players. Would you be able to join us?”
    They had invited me before, but I had put off answering since I wasn’t sure whether I’d be in Tokyo over Golden Week. I’ll be moving out of my Tokyo apartment on April 25th, and moving into my Osaka place on the 26th. A bed I ordered in Tokyo is scheduled to arrive in Osaka on the 28th, so I need to stay there until then.But from the 29th onward, I’ll likely be back in Tokyo for other errands.
    “I think I can probably make it,” I replied as I was leaving.

    After returning home, I took a shower. I asked my father if he’d like to see the cherry blossoms again since they were even more beautiful than last week, but he replied that he’d seen enough. Maybe the short walk last week tired him out. Back in my room, I considered starting to pack, but I didn’t know where to begin, and I sat there thinking for a while. The large furniture and appliances need to be moved near the entrance by the day before the move. The dishes are already packed. Clothes and tennis gear are still in use, so it’s better not to pack them yet. The laptop, too—I’ll need that a while longer. I’ve found a decent gas stove and curtains on Amazon. Maybe I’ll just have them shipped straight to the Osaka apartment.

    For now, I think I’ll simply savor the lingering presence of spring.

  • To Tokyo

    Friday, the sky was overcast. When I left the hotel in the morning, the asphalt was wet. It might have rained a little last night. As usual, I had breakfast at the convenience store in the station before heading to work. I attended a joint meeting with the sales department to align on the sales support tasks for the project management section. It seems highly likely that the operations will be structured similarly to the tasks I handled two years ago.

    While managing post-order projects, there also seems to be work related to system improvements, so in the afternoon, I attended an online seminar on Google App Script to review the basics. I also received a rare inquiry from my old department, making today feel notably heavy compared to recent days.

    A message came to my personal LINE account. It was an invitation to a tennis practice session on Saturday, as they were short on players. I hadn’t held a racket all week due to my work in Osaka, so I wanted to go, but I hesitated a bit—this practice was an intense three-hour session.

    Once I return to Tokyo, I have to continue preparing for my move. Clothes, daily necessities—I need to start packing them into boxes soon. There’s hardly any time to relax, either physically or mentally. I also received a message from the real estate company about the dimensions of the stove space, window size, refrigerator space, and the position of the TV antenna outlet. Since it’s hard to find time while in Osaka, I was considering buying at least the stove and curtains in Tokyo and shipping them to Osaka. Things are starting to feel hectic.

    Even though I wanted to rest my tired body, I couldn’t suppress my desire to play tennis. So, from the Shinkansen bound for Tokyo, I replied that I would join the practice.

    By now, I’ve gotten used to it, but there are still so many foreign tourists near Kyoto Station. Around the Shinkansen ticket gates, the sound of suitcase wheels rolling along the floor accompanies the train status announcements in both Japanese and English. The Friday night Shinkansen to Tokyo was nearly full.

    I arrived home around 8:30 PM. Since I had already eaten dinner, I had a brief chat with my wife before stepping into a room cluttered with moving boxes. Pushing through my exhaustion, I packed my racket into my bag.

  • It’s challange for me

    Daily writing prompt
    How would you improve your community?
    View all responses

    I have been thinking about how to expand my connections with society. Based on my experiences, I feel that expanding my network in the world of hobbies (in my case, among my tennis friends) and expanding my network among work colleagues require completely different approaches.

    The former is relatively easier. Tennis enthusiasts naturally share common topics and are already in an environment where mutual empathy comes easily. Since there is no need to be overly conscious of hierarchy, as long as one is not too shy, making friends happens quickly. However, since tennis is fundamentally a competitive sport, wins and losses inevitably occur within the community. As a result, people often bond more easily with those at a similar skill level.

    Right now, my challenge is whether I can build good relationships even after playing against opponents in official matches. It becomes important to value courtesy and show mutual respect.

    On the other hand, building relationships with work colleagues is much more difficult. In the workplace, conversations often involve people with conflicting interests. Factors such as whether a give-and-take or win-win relationship can be established and other complex environmental elements come into play. Hierarchical relationships are also clearly defined, and many people are conscious of them in their interactions.

    Ideally, I would like to develop the kind of trust and reputation that allows me to communicate on equal footing regardless of the circumstances. However, since I have always struggled with social interactions, that ideal is still quite far from where I am now. I sometimes wish I had a natural sociability that allowed me to easily connect with anyone.

  • Living Like Dancing in This Moment

    April has arrived, but the weather in Osaka continues to be chilly. Due to the influence of the Osaka Expo, accommodation prices have soared, and I have had difficulty finding a place to stay, moving from hotel to hotel. Last night, I stayed at a capsule hotel.

    Actually, I have been assigned to work at the company’s headquarters starting in April, so staying in a hotel is an unusual situation. However, the general affairs department took my situation into account, as I couldn’t find a new residence by the end of March, and they allowed me to reimburse my accommodation and transportation costs.

    I heard that my reassignment caused quite a debate among the senior management last term. Now that the new organizational structure has been revealed, and comparing it with the explanations given to me by my department head and the division director, I can see that the chance of me becoming a manager was not completely zero. This realization is somewhat frustrating, but for now, all I can do is focus on steadily building up what I am capable of.

    To understand these feelings, I reflected on them in light of Adlerian psychology, as explained in The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga.

    Aristotle’s philosophy introduces two ways of living: Kinesis-based living and Energeia-based living. Kinesis (κίνησις) is a Greek term meaning “movement” or “change,” referring to a process where something changes in pursuit of a goal and is completed once the goal is achieved. For example, studying to become a lawyer or practicing to win a tennis tournament. From a Kinesis-based perspective, effort is only rewarded once the goal is reached, and the challenge ends when the goal is attained. If the goal is not achieved, only the fact of “failure” remains.

    On the other hand, Energeia (ἐνέργεια) refers to “actual activity” or “intrinsic realization,” where the activity itself is the goal, and it does not end just because the goal is achieved. For example, in the act of playing music, the goal is the performance itself, and the activity doesn’t end when the performance concludes. For the musician, the joy is found in the act of performing itself.

    So, which is the better way of living? I believe that many people in modern society tend to have a Kinesis-oriented perspective. The idea of working to earn money or achieving results to get promoted is a common way of thinking. In this mindset, unless a “result” is obtained, the process is merely a struggle. In such a case, it’s difficult to find happiness in everyday life.

    The Energeia-based mindset, on the other hand, has a different perspective. It’s a way of life where the activity itself—whether it’s in art, philosophy, or love—becomes the purpose. Rather than seeing life as a straight path to a goal, it encourages finding meaning in each activity, seeing life as a series of connected moments.

    However, ultimately, I think it’s more about finding a balance between both perspectives. In areas like work and study, where achieving goals is important, the process can often feel tough. But many people find joy in activities like music, love, or sports, using them to balance the difficulty of their work by finding joy in the activity itself. Tennis, for example, is a sport that can incorporate both perspectives. The goal is to win matches, but along the way, you can feel joy in improving your technique, like hitting a new shot or increasing your serve speed. Even if you don’t win the match, achieving each step along the way can bring satisfaction.

    In work or study, which tends to focus on Kinesis-like thinking, I think it would be possible to introduce Energeia-based elements, making the process itself more joyful. This is explained in The Courage to Be Disliked as: “Life is lived like dancing in the moment, a continuous series of fleeting moments. And one day, when you look around, you may realize, ‘How far I’ve come.’”

    Of course, this depends on individual circumstances and perspectives. Whether or not you’re in a job you desire or whether you find joy in the act of studying depends on one’s personality and preferences. However, I’ve always thought that, for the majority of life, especially the “work” portion, it’s important to place yourself in situations where you can engage with an Energeia-based mindset as much as possible. I’ve been steadily working towards that goal.

    My first week in Osaka at the beginning of the fiscal year is almost over. Tomorrow, I will return to Tokyo and resume packing for my move over the weekend. Today, my direct supervisor told me that working in both Tokyo and Osaka could be possible, depending on the situation, and that they didn’t mind if I did so. This brought me a sense of relief, as I would be able to keep an eye on my father, who is receiving medical care in Tokyo, as well as my mother who is caring for him, and my wife, who lives with my parents and works at the same time.

  • The beginning of a new life

    The cherry blossoms along the Onda River in Tokyo were nearly in full bloom last weekend, so I was surprised to see that the cherry blossoms from the window of the JR Kyoto Line were only about 50% in bloom. Although it is already April, the mornings in Osaka are still quite chilly, and just wearing a suit with a scarf feels a bit cold. Since the Osaka headquarters starts work at 8 AM, I booked a hotel one station away. However, my departure time is not much different from when I worked at the Tokyo branch, which starts at 9 AM.

    I spoke to a colleague who joined the company in January, saying, “Hotel prices have gone up a lot.” He replied, “Yeah, it seems that due to the Osaka Expo, hotel prices have doubled compared to usual.” The Osaka Expo will be held from April 13 to October 13 on Yumeshima in Osaka Bay. Since I am staying here, I may have a chance to visit. On my first day at work on April 1, there were presentations on the new department structure and each section manager’s policies. While handling the administrative procedures for my transfer, I also spent time exchanging opinions with my supervisor about future plans. The actual work has not fully started yet, and we are beginning with coordination with relevant departments and establishing rules.

    Finding a reasonably priced hotel was a bit challenging, but for the first night, I managed to book the hotel near Takatsuki Station that I always use. The days are getting longer, and even at 5 PM when I finished work, it was still bright outside. Since I had some time after checking into the hotel, I took a walk through the shopping district and bought a slim-fit suit. On my way back, I stopped by a public bath to relax and then went to sleep.

    My supervisor has asked me to stay in Osaka for the first two weeks of the fiscal year. I can feel that the new life I had been thinking about is finally starting. I still feel a mix of excitement and anxiety, but I think those feelings are gradually fading day by day.

  • Earthquake in Myanmar

    A magnitude 7.7 earthquake has struck central Myanmar, with a reported depth of 10 km. Reports indicate that large-scale building collapses have occurred, and more than 2,000 people have lost their lives.

    In recent years, Myanmar has faced ongoing turmoil following a military coup, making medical care and rescue operations increasingly difficult. Additionally, some areas have restricted access to information, raising concerns about delays in rescue efforts.

    We sincerely hope that aid reaches the affected areas as soon as possible and that relief and a stable life can be restored swiftly.